The cover has raised more discussion about the decline of sales of magazines on the newsstands than about the benefits of breastfeeding. It has been heralded by the media as an example of print well done and even called a stroke of genius. Sadly, I think it is a continuing example of the media missing the mark and not giving us the stories and news we want. I want substance NOT drama. If I wanted drama … Time Magazine, I would pick up a copy of US Weekly.  

The story also continues to pose women against women in the never ending competition women inflict on eachother and the ‘mom wars’. It has resulted in personal criticism against Grumet and her lifestyle choices and made those women who favour attachment parenting defensive of their choices while others are critical.

In all this I am also surprised to share in the opinion of an unlikely ally. Alyssa Milano tweeted at Time Magazine:

“You missed the mark! You’re supposed to be making it easier for breastfeeding moms. Your cover is exploitive & extreme.”

In the midst of the controversy and reaction from the public the real story that should have been the focus of the article has been lost. No one is talking about the benefits of breastfeeding.

It’s sad actually. Sad that our society will take anything and muck it up… Make it controversial and even a little dirty.

People in the media have gone as far as calling it disgusting. I know they are referring to nursing an older child and not breastfeeding generally BUT for young moms trying to figure out what they want to do and how this is not the message that helps them decide in favour of breastfeeding.

I nursed my son until he was about 14 months old. Months after he was born, I realized that I had become what I described as a bit of a breastfeeding bully. When asked my opinion by a woman working on my nails at a salon about whether she should breastfeed her newborn daughter I realized how much I sounded like the pro breastfeeding pamphlets. I started to convince her with the benefits to the baby, then health benefits for mom, bonding, weight loss, it’s easier than washing and boiling bottles and found myself even throwing in “and it’s free”. I also found that I was disappointed when she later told me that she would not be breastfeeding because her husband told her it’s O.K. not to.

Sadly, this focus on breastfeeding older children misses the real issue; that the majority of mothers in North America are not getting the support they need to breastfeed for even six months.

Why do I care? Because, I truly believe in all the benefits to breastfeeding including; the health, nutritional, immunologic, developmental, psychological, social, economic, and environmental ones.

So what is the scoop on breastfeeding? Here are some of the benefits I have found in research:

For baby, breast-fed infants:

• have a lower risk of sudden infant death syndrome;
• are less likely to develop asthma;
• are less likely to develop allergies;
• are less likely to be overweight or obese later in childhood;
• suffer fewer illnesses such as:
  • diarrhea
  • earaches and ear infections
  • pneumonia    
  • bacteremia
  • wheezing
  • bronchiolitis
  • respiratory tract infection
  • necrotizing enter colitis
  • otitis media
  • urinary tract infection
  • late-onset sepsis in preterm infants
  • type 1 and type 2 diabetes
  • lymphoma
  • leukemia
  • viral infections, such as meningitis
  • Hodgkin’s disease
  • Crohn’s disease
  • ulcerative colitis

Breast milk contains antibodies that are passed on from mother to baby and that help fend off and fight infections until their own immune systems become stronger. This protection cannot be duplicated by formula, which contains no human antibodies.

Benefits for Moms:

• decreased risk of developing breast cancer;
• decreased risk of developing ovarian cancer;
• may reduce the risk of osteoporosis;
• decreased postpartum bleeding;
• more rapid uterine involution;
• decreased menstrual blood loss;
• burn more calories and return to pre-pregnancy weight quicker;
• increased bone strength, which helps protect against bone fractures in older age;
• delays the return of menstruation (talk with your health care provider about birth control);
• release of the hormones prolactin and oxytocin, which promote a feeling of calmness, relaxation and well-being … even sleepiness and also promotes a deeper sleep, which enables mothers to feel more rested in a shorter amount of time;
• helps mothers miss less work because their babies get sick less often;
• release of endorphins, which benefit mothers in being happier, less tired and having less post-partum depression.

Also (in case you are not yet convinced):

1. Breastfeeding is nature’s way; breast milk is naturally and uniquely produced.
2. Breastfeeding provides warmth and closeness. The physical contact assists in creating a special bond between you and your baby.
3. Breast milk is absorbed quickly and causes less stomach upset, constipation and diarrhea than formula.
4.  Breastfeeding enhances the development of oral muscles and facial bones.
5. Breast milk is easier for your baby to digest. Breastfed babies have less spit-up, tummy discomfort and constipation than formula-fed babies. Breast milk is especially tolerated better during an episode of the stomach virus.
6.  Breast milk is more convenient. There is nothing to mix, measure, wash or prepare.
7.  Breast milk is always available.
8.  Breast milk has all the nutrients, calories, and fluids your baby needs to be healthy.
9.  Breast milk has growth factors that ensure the best development of your baby’s organs.
10. Breast milk has many substances that formulas do not have that protect your baby from many diseases and infections (see above).
11.  Breast milk is free whereas formula can cost hundreds of dollars a year (it is estimated to cost on average $1,600 per year per baby).
12.  Breast milk contains substances that induce sleep and calmness in babies.
13.  Breast milk contains endorphins which soothe and calm babies during times of stress. This comes in very handy during vaccinations, injuries, illnesses, or when your baby just needs that special cuddle.
14.  Breast milk provides perfect and varying proportions of fat, carbohydrates and protein for babies at different ages. Your body knows you are nursing and adapts. A newborn has different nutritional needs than a three, six or nine month old baby and your milk is constantly changing to provide the perfect balance for your baby (this is one reason not to freeze and store breast milk for long periods of time).
15.  Breast milk protects against cavities. Breast milk’s bacteria fighting cells actually help prevent tooth decay.
16. Breast milk can reduce the need for braces. The action of suckling on the breast helps the proper formation of the jaw, palate, teeth and gums. The longer you breastfeed, the more likely this benefit will occur.
17.  Breast milk reduces bed-wetting. Children breast-fed as infants are less likely to wet the bed later.
18.  Breast milk increases organ acceptance in case of transplant. Grown children who were breastfed and who receive donated kidneys from their mothers or a sibling are significantly less likely to reject the organ than if they were not breastfed.
19.  Breast milk increases vaccine effectiveness. Breastfed babies’ immune systems respond better to vaccinations than formula-fed babies. Plus, nursing is soothing after those shots!
20.  Breastfeeding moms sleep more. Breastfeeding mothers reportedly slept an average of 45 minutes a night more than mothers who were formula feeding. Parents of formula-fed babies suffered more sleep disturbances as well.
21.  Babies are born with an immature digestive system and breast milk completes the development of the stomach lining making thicker than that of a formula-fed babies.
22.  Breastfed babies make better eaters as toddlers. Different foods, oils and spices you consume flavour your milk, introducing and exposing your baby to a variety of flavors before ever tasting solid food.
23.  Breastfed children cope better with stressful situations years after being weaned. Breastfeeding gives your baby an early opportunity to learn important self-soothing and self-regulating skills, which are life-long social and emotional development tools.

I completely understand and acknowledge that not all moms have a choice. There are many reasons why woman cannot breastfeed including not producing enough milk, baby not latching on or having to return to work. I am not judging. All I am saying is if you can, do so. There are so many reasons for it and none that I can think of against it.

For many mothers and babies, breastfeeding goes smoothly from the beginning. For others, it takes a little time, some frustration and several attempts. Like anything new, breastfeeding takes practice AND this is normal. If you need help, ask the doctors and nurses while you are still in the hospital, your pediatrician, a friend, your mother, a lactation specialist (see the below link to the La Leche League) or a breastfeeding support group.

As for the question of how long? The Canadian and American Pediatric Associations, as well as the World Health Organization (WHO) recommend exclusive breastfeeding for up to 6 months of age. The WHO recommends continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond.

After that … I don’t know. Personally, it’s not for me and I think there may be reasons not to continue to breastfeed older children including health and dietary requirements. I’ll let Dr. Sears, and the ‘experts’ answer this one, if they should be so inclined as to weigh in at the opportune moment.

Here are some links that I found useful:

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/115/2/496.full

http://www.cps.ca/english/statements/n/breastfeedingmar05.htm

http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/

http://www.lllc.ca/

http://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/breastfeeding

http://www.montereyherald.com/local/ci_20607881/breast-feeding-has-huge-benefits

http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/29/why-pediatricians-say-breast-feeding-is-about-public-health-not-just-lifestyle/

Here is a little taste…

“The stars have fallen down, bringing endless winter to the world and spurring Meera, a lonely clown, to set out on a magical quest to find them. 

Meera travels through a land of ice and snow, dangerous forests and dark domains seeking the three signs that will bring her to the stars. Her hope, courage, and the support of friends she makes along the way help Meera bring both starlight and sunshine back to her world.”

 The book is available just in time for Christmas and has been in bookstores since November 20th, 2011. You can also ORDER IT ONLINE at Amazon.ca  or Indigo.ca

The restaurant reopened under new ownership AND a new chef. Definitely a step up and an asset for the neighbourhood.

I recently tried Good Fork for lunch with 3 mommy friends and our total of 4 children, Alex being the oldest with the youngest at 5 months.  So needless to say that we were all over the top impressed with the warm and friendly staff that went above and beyond to make out lunch enjoyable.  This was one of those complete mess, embarrassed that my kid did it type of lunches with mostly my Alex doing it, the mess that is.  Two of the babies were perfect little angels. Quiet and sweet and napping for part of lunch. My Alex on the other hand, wanted to try out his newly perfected skill of running around … he’s now just over a year and we can’t keep up with him. He is walking … well and quickly.  When my angel did sit to eat his lunch half of lunch went into his mouth and good portions went onto the floor.  When he saw our mimosas come out with fruit garnish he went nuts for the fruit until mama and a very attentive friend quickly turned their fruit over to his demands.  Nevertheless, despite his little mess and little screams our waitress was fantastic. She engaged Alex, got him more strawberries to please and brought out bread to keep him nibbling while we waited for our food.  My friend’s daughter, clearly encouraged by Alex’s destruction, tried to join in both in noise and mess, but because she is a bit younger only managed to contribute with a pile of shredded napkins on the floor.

Again, the food was delish. I had a chicken wrap with sweet potato fries. My friends also tried the omelette and egg dishes. The food came quickly, was warm and yummy. The blood orange mimosas were phenomenal. You get your very own mini bottle of champagne and a can of blood orange San Pellegrino with a large wine glass garnished with fruit.  

The atmosphere was bright and cozy with comfy and spacious booths.  The tables are spread widely apart so we were able to fit 4 women and 4 babies with 2 highchairs and 2 strollers around and in our booth. Again, really impressive both in that we (and all of our baggage) fit and that the staff were patient enough and assisted us in doing so.

The only, only downside and the only reason I HAVE to deduct one ranking is that between the 2 bathrooms the restaurant did not have a change table. Hopefully Good Fork will remedy that soon and when they do they will ABSOLUTELY have a 5/5.

Here’s hoping that Good Fork stays open for a good long time.

Change Table  X

High Chair  √

Child Friendly Décor  √

Service  √

Child Friendly Menu  √

TOTAL RATING: 4/ 5

Truly the best cupcake and cake bakery in the City.

I have ordered two birthday cakes now from Swirls and two cupcake orders. They truly do custom orders. I am very, very, very picky and Swirls has more than delivered every time. The baked goods are to die for.

I have asked for sugar free cupcakes in the past and got wonderfully delicious (sugar free) cupcakes. For Alex’s birthday cake they actually made it with half the sugar AND it was still delicious!

Alex’s birthday cake was incredible. It was a three car, 3D, Thomas train cake (see picture above).  Thomas was beautifully done with two cars that followed with a lot of detail and little touches. We chose a banana cake and it was moist and delicious. Both adult and the kiddie guests were impressed. Alex was absolutely mesmerized by the cake. I loved the look on his face when he saw it and even better when he put his hands on it (by the way, impressively the cake was so well done that despite Alex grabbing at it the frosting kept the cake together).

The customer service is also really incredible. I have always dealt with Katherine who is the owner and even though she was on vacation (out of the country) while I ordered Alex’s birthday cake she was super responsive and accommodating via email. I trust and know that I will always be well taken care of with Swirls.

I also ordered my husband’s birthday cake several months ago and again we were really impressed. I went with the NY cheesecake. I am a big fan of cheesecake and this one did not disappoint. Again, Swirls customized it and met my every demand.

Thank you Swirls for helping make all of our parties a success!

Check out the Swirls website http://www.swirlscupcakes.ca/

It was with very mixed emotions that I approached my son’s first birthday. In the weeks leading up to it I was very excited for the day to come. At the same time I was …  I don’t know … a little sad I guess. Maybe not quite prepared emotionally. My baby was becoming a toddler and I cannot believe how quickly this year has passed.

I planned carefully for the big day. I wanted to make sure that even though Alex will not remember his first birthday party it would be a day he enjoyed. This is a day more for him then for us. I did not want him to be overwhelmed and experience the break down I have seen at many 1st birthdays. But was it avoidable?

We rented a play gym and my husband took Alex there twice before the party so we would be sure that he was familiar with it. We invited family and friends, big and small. I ordered a cake and spent much more money on it then I ever thought possible (keep in mind I’m planning my first kids party since my niece turned 1, 7 years ago) but it was an amazing and delicious Thomas train cake that although I was told would feed 35-40 people could have easily fed over 80. We’re eating cake all week as a result. I planned the time well – between naps and bought age appropriate decorations. I wanted to make sure that my little man was not crusty and was well rested. Alex is still taking two naps so I thought it may be a good idea to have him take the first nap in the car on the way to the party. My husband and I split up and took two cars. He took the birthday boy and I went with my mother to pick up the cake and then deliver all that is party to the venue and set up.

Alex seemed to have had a decent nap but was still a bit cranky throughout the two hour party. Maybe caused by having napped in the car or being overwhelmed by so many people. We’ll never really know. He didn’t want to eat much. Not milk, cheese, fruit or otherwise. Until the cake. That cake changed everything. It was worth every penny in the end to see his face when I brought out the Thomas train or the ‘choo choo’ as Alex calls it. His little eyes light up and once the cake was cut he inhaled it (See the “Favourite Things” part of the blog for the review on Swirls Cupcakes, the bakery where we ordered the cake. They did a truly incredible job).

The cake had half the sugar they would normally use and was banana so I didn’t feel guilty about Alex having a piece even though he hadn’t had much of a lunch before the cake. He’d had a big breakfast and after the cake ate whatever we put in front of him.

All in all our birthday boy had a great time playing with his friends and enjoying the cake.

Now we have a little toddler in the house – along with all no, no, no’s and finger shaking (from him not us) that accompany it. We won’t have to shop for clothes or toys every again – ok, at least until Christmas because I find that people are over the top generous when it comes to the little ones. Alex may not remember his first birthday but I always will. It is the third most memorable day of my life (his birth being the first and our wedding day a close second) and I will tell him about it and show him the many pictures that were taken courtesy of one special uncle who is always prepared with his camera and stepped in to take pictures when things got crazy at the party.

Thank you to all those who celebrated with us whether in person or with birthday wishes! Now for the 1st year vaccines … Stay tuned.

Whether your baby is sleeping through the night for the first time ever or this is (FINALLY) now a consistent occurrence in your home I talk to many moms who themselves can’t get any sleep.

You try everything possible and yet you just can’t fall asleep OR you fall asleep but can’t stay asleep.  You lie, wide awake, unable to sleep hoping … praying that slumber will come.  You look at the time pass on the clock knowing that your sleep hours are numbered. That you’re little one will be up eventually calling for you.  You wish you could just get some solid hours of sleep. So what gives AND what do you do?

The first time my son slept through the night, from 7:30 pm to 7 am the next morning, I still woke up every few hours. I went to bed at 11 pm and woke up at 2:30 am, then again at 3:00 am and 4:30 am and so on. I tossed and I turned all night long.

The first time I woke up I remember wondering. What’s wrong? Why hasn’t he woken up yet??? Is everything ok?

The frustration mounted each time I woke and grew as I could not fall asleep again. I realized that morning that perhaps my son’s sleep training was going well but now mommy was the one who needed the sleep training.

I would have a hard time drifting off and kept expecting my son to wake up at any minute. I doubted that he would continue to sleep through the night, and months later now, I think I still have doubts … fear really … that the sleep I have grown somewhat accustom to will be taken away.

It’s not surprising that we have these fears. As new parents sleep deprivation is one of the toughest and most challenging things to accept and overcome. I remember thinking as a new mom that it would all be so much easier if I could only get some sleep. Just a few solid hours. At first I hoped for anything more than 2- 3 hours of sleep in a row.  My baby was NOT a sleeper.

Also, we read about regression. The dreaded warnings that, even though your baby is sleeping through the night now, it could change.

What we do not hear is that it gets better, and trust me, it DOES get better. Eventually no matter which sleep training method you use, kids eventually sleep. Now be realistic. You probably won’t be sleeping in until 10 am on the weekends any time soon. In fact, that will not likely happen for years to come but it does get better. You and your babywill both sleep more and more and more. Until one day, eventually you start to feel a little bit like your old self again.

I learned over time that the most important step in getting some sleep back was to turn the baby monitor volume off.  Our monitor is a video monitor so I don’t turn it off completely but I do turn the volume off all together. It helps but I am a VERY light sleeper.  So even though the volume on the monitor is off I still hear my son make the smallest of whimpers during the night.  His bedroom is right next door to our master bedroom.  A friend recommended that I get a humidifier for our room to muffle the noise but truthfully I could not do it. 

My husband sleeps like a bear in hibernation. I will never understand how and why nature is so unfair and cruel. A freight train passing through our bedroom would not likely wake him so I admit I was a nervous first time mommy and accepted that I would wake up at night to my sons little noises and sleep disruptions.

What I haven’t accepted is that those nights where my little angel sleeps peacefully I still wake up panic stricken and stare at the monitor wondering if he is ok and then lying in bed praying for sleep until morning.  Will I ever sleep again or do we moms just learn to live without?  What are your thoughts?

This is the 3rd of Chef McKenna’s fabulous local seasonal menu restaurants. The original, Global, is on Yonge Street and the other 2 both named Earth are in Rosedale and Bloor West Village. Chic dining room, wine bar and rooftop patios plus wonderful local food all equal a terrific dining experience. Add in a child friendly atmosphere and staff and it is a foodie parents dream come true.

I have been for lunch and brunch and both times I was not disappointed.  The first time we went to have lunch it was me and Alex, a friend and her 4 month old baby. We got a great table and the waiter brought the high chair right away. He was super attentive and did everything he could to let us know he was there to help the two of us enjoy lunch. I usually order some bread because it helps keep Alex preoccupied once he is finished his lunch and gives me an opportunity to finish my meal. The order came right away. We sat at the front of the restaurant by the open widows to the street. The food was really incredible. I had oysters (I missed oysters when I was pregnant and have been trying to get my fix since) and the BC Albacore tuna 100 mile greens with radish slaw and fennel pollen aioli. My friend had the flatbread and everything was delish.

For brunch my husband tried the steak and eggs, which he thoroughly enjoyed and I had the rib eye burger. Both were slightly overcooked but still good. The wine menu is really nice AND I am so excited that the patio is beautiful. Now, we have not dined on the patio because there is a large staircase leading to it and both times I was with stroller but we did check it out and it is gorgeous. A must try before the summer days come to an end!

Change Table  √

High Chair  √

Child Friendly Décor  √

Service  √

Child Friendly Menu  √

TOTAL RATING: 5 / 5

Check it out at http://www.earthbloorwest.com

We had attempted to try the Napoletana pizzeria Libretto but we got there a little later than planned and were told that the wait for a table was half an hour. NOT about to happen with an 11 month old baby! I had planned to get to Libretto at 5:30 pm and hoped we would find a table pre-dinner rush so we could be eating by 6 pm. They do not take reservations. We were approximately 10-15 minutes later and the restaurant was packed. We ended up going to Delux just down the street and I am quite happy with the evening.

Seriously, I am a very picky eater but the truffled gnocchi with market vegetables chive nage was one of the most delicious things I have ever tasted. My husband had the achiote and lime roasted chicken with potato puree and julienne radish and cucumber salad which was also delicious but really the gnocchi … oh the gnocchi.  We also tried the oysters for the appetizer and the coffee crème brulle for dessert which was nice but really NOTHING tops that gnocchi.  The wine selection was good. The atmosphere was quaint. The menus are a nice touch. With the aged paper and old style insert covers they have the feel of an old communist diner from the movies.

Now… to the important child friendly stuff. High chair = check. Interesting environment = double check. Alex loved the alphabet picture on the wall.  He was absolutely enamoured with it. Also, very importantly he was a big fan of the food.

I have to say though that the service was just ok. Really just ok. Our server tried to acknowledge that we had a little one with us and was friendly enough. The oysters came out really quickly but the entrees took about 45 minutes to get out and all parents know that the little ones start to lose their patience.  The rest of the service and attention left us wanting. I had asked for the dessert menu when our entrees came thinking if we order early enough we could actually fit in dessert before Alex starts to announce it is time to leave but the server delivered the menu and then forgot all about us until we caught his attention again much later. Also, I was rationed 1 glass of water which was not refilled for the entire meal. It sat empty until one of the servers picked it up. All in all not a bad experience and I would really recommend you go. Try Delux, even if it is just for the really amazing gnocchi. We were not the only ones with a child during dinner although ours was the youngest.  As for Libretto … maybe we will try again next weekend.

Change Table χ

High Chair √

Child Friendly Décor √

Service χ

Child Friendly Menu √

TOTAL RATING: 3 / 5

Check our Delux at http://deluxrestaurant.ca

I started slowly, reading just a couple of pages before sweet sleep called, but then it was like my mind (and imagination) woke up so to speak and I was urging my husband to keep the lights on for just “one more page…” which ultimately led to a whole chapter.  I noticed that I had more interesting things to talk to friends, colleagues and even my husband about.  Themes, ideas, and events in the novels I was reading became great conversation fodder.  I also noticed that I was feeling more creative in general; willing to try a more complicated recipe,  or a new activity.  As a person who uses language all day everyday at work, my ability to communicate (especially to write) improved.  But, and perhaps most importantly, I felt better about myself: I was doing something I truly loved and had, for those few intense years after I began working in earnest, given up almost entirely.  I love the way my mind feels: like it is expanding when I read, how I am able to flex that imagination muscle and meet people and go to places I would never otherwise have met or gone to.  I love to really learn about a character until they feel like an old friend.  I like the challenge and promise of a new book waiting by my bedside table.  And I am grateful for the time, each evening, that I can devote entirely to myself: no kids, no phone calls, no deadlines, no expectations, just me and my book and all that possibility.  It really is a good way to check in with myself at the end of a long and often stressful day.

And this is why I would urge every exhausted, stretched to the max woman who thinks there is no time in their day for yet another demand, to take five minutes and the end of each day for a brief encounter with a good book.  I mean with amazon.ca you don’t even have to make a trip to a book store! Ask a friend what they’re reading, go online, and voila, in like two days (sometimes less!) your book arrives for you at your front door!  Then watch how those simple five minutes at the end of your day transform you.  Reading re-stocks my soul’s pantry and I think I’m a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and even professional for it.

So, what I will do to help inspire in just some tiny way is to let everyone know what I’m reading and to give little reviews when I’m done.  After the birth of my second son, the reality is that the book I started just days before his birth sat neglected and attracting dust for a good five months.  But, over the last two months I’ve started reading again and I swear I’m happier for it.

I just finished the autobiography Blood, Bones & Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef by Gabrielle Hamilton. The book was a gift from an old and dear friend who herself is an ex-pat Canadian now living in the Bronx.   If Ms. Hamilton can cook just as well as she can write, I’m booking my trip to NYC to eat at Prune asap.  It’s a beautiful, non-linear story that traces Ms. Hamilton’s journey through kitchens both near and far which ultimately lead her to exactly where she needs to be.  You’re seduced with her descriptions of food and the honesty to which she approaches her craft (both cooking and writing), and her life.  A daughter, sister, mis-fit, world traveller, student, lover (of women and later, of men, or at least a man), restauranteur, wife, daughter-in-law and mother (separately and sometimes all at the same time), we can all relate to the chaos of trying to be all things to all people and the freedom that comes with ultimately being true to yourself.  She is nothing if not determined: determined to be self-sufficient when divorce thrusts it upon her in her early teens, determined to finish her Masters degree when she has little in common with her colleagues, determined to open a restaurant when she has not yet been a chef in someone else’s restaurant, determined to come to terms with her complicated relationship with her mother, determined to find intimacy and connection in her marriage and determined to parent in the face of a career choice that demands all of her.  She is unapologetic when her determination brings her success and she embraces her failures with humour, keen insight and courage. She challenges our need to classify her accomplishments in both career and family as a “woman’s success” rather than human success, which is a theme to which I can certainly relate. I loved this book so much that I snuck away to read it on Sunday morning while my husband played with the kids (like brunch for my brain and heart!)

Next up: John Irving’s A Prayer for Owen Meany…

It was utterly horrible. I couldn’t believe my eyes. In the photo I am sitting on the beach behind Alex playing in the sand with him wearing ONLY my brand new black and white bikini. And even worse … it was a side shot. Why hadn’t my husband deleted it immediately? My reaction at first was a nervous giggle which quickly became a bit of a nervous laugh and changed into FULL on tears and a complete meltdown. I’m absolutely positive I scared the crap out of my husband. He kept asking me; are you laughing? Are you joking? All I could get out was “I’m fat”. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?

I don’t own a scale. Never have. Always had a good attitude and approach to my weight, health and food. I eat well but I don’t deny myself. I cave into the occasional craving. I weighed 100 lbs for a very long time – until I was about 24 or so. I didn’t diet. I was just one of those girls people hated because I ate whatever I wanted and didn’t gain weight. That changed over time but I didn’t diet. I ate well and took care of myself but I never obsessed over weight not even before my wedding. And now 10 months after having a baby I was at my heaviest. Heavier even then when I was pregnant. I had recently weighed myself at a friend’s house and was convinced the scale was broken. I was 10 lbs heavier then I was at the end of my pregnancy. Now looking at this photo I was convinced that scale didn’t lie to me but everyone else around me did. That night I blamed my husband and my sister. I phoned her and asked her why she didn’t tell me. Why didn’t anyone tell me how I looked?

She lied again. She said I was skinnier then her. Not even remotely true! She’s 8 years younger then I am and looks like a super model.

I then turned to my husband and sobbed “why didn’t you say anything”? “I’m so big”. To his credit he had been trying to help me eat well and has us both on this great protein shake. But I’m nursing so I have been eating well and not paying attention to my weight. My husband kept repeating that I am not big and we’ll work on our bellies together when you finish nursing. He reminded me I was bloated because of the monthly visitor and that I shouldn’t be focusing on this tonight. He was so good about it. I’m sure this is every man’s nightmare situation. What do you say? What do you do when your wife who had a baby not too long ago asks you if she’s fat? Or in our case has a complete meltdown. He kept repeating “you had a baby and you’re nursing”. He also, rightly so, reminded me I would feel and look different in the morning. We all carry a lot more water and bloat in the evening.

I was convinced that everyone had lied to me. Every time I had heard “you look great” and “look at you”. I remember people who hadn’t seen me since I’ve had Alex looking at me and then looking down at my stomach area. All those women who have had babies know the look. Someone who hasn’t seen you since you’ve had your baby looks at you and the first place their eyes land is your midriff – your belly. And then you hear the ”wow you look great. Look at you”. Or whatever variation of it. Even worse is the unwanted advice on how to “look better”. The worst one I heard were “you should wear a band” (within a week after I had my son) from a friend of my mother’s who had come to see the baby. I wanted to scream at this woman and maybe kick her out of MY house but I didn’t have the energy. Also worth an honourable mention is “you’re almost back to your normal self”. My “normal self”. What is that even? My healthy weight? My pre-baby body? Or the 100 lbs me from high school? Whatever lady!

The thing is that I was convinced that I was back to my “normal” body size / shape. Until I saw that dreaded photo. I dared to buy a new bikini. A full on, no extra coverage or raised waist line or any of that, bikini. And I thought I looked good. I loved the bikini. Oh cute little black and white bikini … why did you disappoint me so? I looked huge in the photo. Like a costume character, embellished version of myself…or at least the person I thought I looked like, because right now I am not so sure that I look the way I think I look. And I am quite sceptical that my loved ones have been honest with me about the whole thing. Maybe my mother’s horribly inappropriate, rude and frank friend was right. Maybe I should have worn a belly band!

That night I sobbed. I know that I told you that I am not a crier and here I am crying again … about something so ridiculous at that. I felt vain and juvenile as I sobbed. I couldn’t even explain to my poor panicked husband why I was crying. I feel so horrible for him. What a complete hormonal, over the top, ridiculous reaction.

 I went to bed that night after several glasses of wine … probably more than I should have had (but before I get the back lash for drinking wine while nursing, my son was asleep for the night and there would be no more nursing that day). I did not delete the photo, despite my initial rash reaction to do so. I left it for three reasons:

1) because my son was in it and he looked so adorable I want to crop him out and print the photo (thank goodness for the modern wonder of cropping and photo shop … although I doubt even photo shop could make me look better in that picture);

2) because I still need to determine whether the image of how I think I look matches the image of what I see in that photo. Yes, it is a bad picture but it is a REALLY bad picture and I need to determine whether it is an issue of a bad photo or an issue of being more realistic about what I look like after having a baby;

3) because I will use it to motivate myself to get fit and look even better than I did before I had my son. Now don’t worry. I will not go on some insane diet. I said I want to get fit NOT skinny. I will start to work out again and get back to Yoga, which I really miss. I will eat clean and well as I am trying to teach my son to do. No caving in and getting McDonalds (which I almost never do anyway) even though there is one much to close to our home.

I will eat and be active the way that I did when I was pregnant caring for the growing life inside me. I promised myself that I would keep that up once Alex was born but maybe I have slipped a little. Mainly, I will not allow work and other everyday obligations to consume me to the point that I cannot find time to take care of myself. I will make time for me! Not only will I continue to take walks with Alex and go to the park but I will make actual time for me. I will go to the gym, and for a massage before I feel like I cannot get out of bed and maybe, just maybe, I will go to the spa with my girlfriends again! Most importantly I will not feel guilty about making time for me.

Stay tuned I will keep you posted on how that goes. Here is my New Years resolution in late summer. I will take care of me … again!

Oh, and I will not look at bikini pictures of myself while watching Bachelor Pad!